Incapable of Loving

Here we are, a couple days later (not really, just for timeline purposes) and Michael and I want to see each other badly. We both work during the day and exhausted afterward and especially difficult when neither one of us lives alone. So we decide we'll go to dinner. I meet him halfway and we travel the rest of the way in my car. We got to his old stomping grounds in our city. I've been wanting to try out this local burger joint so we try that. He buys (since I bought coffee, which I don't think is a comparison since 1: it was coffee and 2: I used a gift card) but he insists. We of course have awesome conversation which always turns sexual for some reason and we head out for you guessed it, an empty parking lot. After driving in neighborhoods for what seemed like forever, we found a good dark spot to park and get after it. And get after it we did. Way more touching and grabbing. More dirty talk. If I we both didn't have such small vehicles, I'm sure a lot more would have happened than us blowing each other. Unlike last time, we both came. Felt awesome to watch him cum all over himself, which sent me over the edge again and I blew all over me. Luckily I had an undershirt on and we cleaned ourselves off and drove off. I took him to his car and I watched the sexy ass walk away. He has one of the greatest backsides I've ever seen. But more to what the post title suggests... I'm incapable of loving.

Alright, loving is a strong word for this point, but I'm capable of liking someone so I needed something stronger, plus its what I was feeling. 

The next day at work I'm just thinking of Michael and where this is leading to. All these thoughts fill my head. Do I like this guy? Will he want a relationship? Do I want a relationship? Should I think about the future or just live in the moment? How will we be able to continuously sneak around like this? Could I possibly love this guy in the future? If I didn't see him ever again from this point forward, would it bother me? Then I stopped myself on that last one because the answer frustrated the hell out of me. My answer was "no, it wouldn't bother me."

I couldn't believe it. But I was honest with myself. Hopefully this will change the more I see him, but at the present time, that's my answer. I have no idea why, Michael seems perfect. Then I began to think, could I even be in a long term relationship? And I definitely haven't in the past. Nothing more than 6 months, if that. I tend to grow old of people. That sounds really shallow, but I do. I look for flaws and make them bigger than what they are and it scares the shit out of me because it will eventually make me incapable of loving someone. Too many emotions. Maybe this was due to the amount of caffeine I had that day. Not sure. Hopefully I don't feel that way for long. Then I was reminded of a song by John Mayer. Damn him for having a song for every emotion I feel at any given moment.